I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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