i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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