I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
