I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
