he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
