The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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