Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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