Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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