I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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