don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
