I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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