That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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