i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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