she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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