u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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