There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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