listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
