I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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