I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
