I will die if light touches me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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