Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
