Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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