Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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