I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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