There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
