Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
