guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
