I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
