The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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