he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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