the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
