I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
