Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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