I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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