Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
