My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
