theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
