Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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