I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
