Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Who died my cat blue again?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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