He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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