It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
