I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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