my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
