he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
