I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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