Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
