I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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