I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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