so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
