The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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