I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
