lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
