Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
