I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
