i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dear god my vagina.
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