sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
