Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
True strength comes from lack of pants
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
