Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
