i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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