Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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