oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
