He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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